Now, lest I give off the impression that celebrity gossip is all glamour and hangovers, I should make it clear that, most of the time, I am interviewing people I know next to nothing about.
I know, I know, it’s my job to do this, and it’s also my job to do research beforehand so I know what the hell I’m talking about. I do this. But my knowledge of many of my interview subjects is still far, far less than my knowledge of, say, cake. Because I love cake. I will go out of my way to get cake when I want some. It is delicious and I want it in my life as much as possible.
The guy from the new Knight Rider show? I couldn’t care less if he were in my life. So when it came to doing research about him, I wasn’t exactly going to spend a weekend researching his life, calling up his high school sweethearts, his bank, the kid who mows his lawn, etc. I will Google his name, I will watch the god-awful Knight Rider TV movie from a few months ago, and then I will go interview him. This is a 300-word article. This is how it works.
The worst part, though, is that I want to care about the new Knight Rider show. I love Knight Rider. I love KITT. I love the Hoff. It was a horrible – and therefore great – show.
But the TV movie that served as backdoor pilot for the reimagined series? Oh, god, it’s fucking terrible. First of all, the fact that Will Arnett had to back out of doing the voice of KITT is a travesty. Because KITT is supposed to have a little air of mischief to him. Well, okay, in the original, it was more an air of gay, but Arnett’s vocal talents would have been comparable. Both voices were a subtle wink to the audience that the show was ridiculous, but that it was all right to enjoy it anyway.
Instead, the voice of KITT is Val Kilmer. One of the most humorless buttheads in all of show business. Sure, his serious, no-funny-business voice is more like what an actual car company would make their robot car sound like, but guess what? I’m not watching a show about a FRICKIN’ ROBOT CAR for realism.
Anyway.
So the TV movie sucked, but I have to go interview the guy who is playing the lead in the new show. I know hardly anything about this guy but I have some questions and can probably fake it a little.
Except that when I get in there, I cannot for the life of me remember the guy’s name.
Jack? Jake? J something. Jonathan. Jonas. Jeremy. Jerrica.
Fuck fuck fuck.
So I’m shaking his hand, all, “Hi, great to meet you, how’s it going?” You know, common curtesy bullshit.
His name is not coming to me. For some reason, my brain thinks:
Walter Koenig!
No, brain. I am not interviewing Chekov from Star Trek.
Are you suuuuuure?
Yes, I’m sure.
Wouldn’t that be cool if you were, though?
Yes. But I’m not. I’m interviewing this guy.
This guy is much cuter than he looked on TV.
Well, he’s over 5’7″, so already he’s got an advantage over most other actors.
Ask him if he’s ever met Walter Koenig.
No.
Come on.
I’m done talking to you now.
So I managed to do the entire interview with the guy without ever once using his name – without even having to awkwardly segue out of a sentence that needed to use his name. But then the guy hasn’t really been in anything other than this new Knight Rider show. So… What was your life like growing up? When did you know you wanted to be an actor? What was auditioning for the show like? How is the new show different from the old one? (Hint: the new one sucks.) Is it weird acting opposite a car? Why is the new KITT so much less gay than the old one?
…Shit.
Did I just ask why KITT is less gay now?
Yeah. You did. It was awesome.
Shit. Maybe I forgot to turn my recorder on and there will be no proof I ever said it.
Oh, you turned it on.
Crap. Look at whatshisface. What’s he doing?
Laughing.
Seriously?
Yeah, he’s talking about how he never noticed KITT’s gay voice until someone else pointed it out to him and now that’s all he can hear whenever he watches the old show.
Huh. This guy’s not that bad.
You should hit on him.
No.
Lame.
I’ll tell you what I will do: I’m going to go back to the office and look him up on IMDB so I’ll remember his name.
What, you mean Justin Bruening?
…God, I hate you.
Name Dropper 