Just as I’m getting ready to leave work for the day, this comes out.
Usually, I have a sixth sense for this kind of thing. Heath Ledger? Dentist appointment. Lindsay Lohan heads to rehab for the [whateverth] time? Somehow managed to be my day off every time. Paris Hilton heading back to jail after initially being released? In the hospital with a broken femur. (Long story, but thanks, company health insurance!)
But I guess that just means I was due, because lo and behold, just as Us Weekly is revealing the EXCLUSIVE! ONE TIME ONLY!! Speidi wedding photos, everyone was gone for the day except for one of my bosses and Gina, the girl who covered the Emmys for me so I could go get laid. So I owe her a favour.
Remember when I said the people who write the earnest, “golly gee, celebrities are awesome” stories are full of shit and self-loathing? Well, that’s not entirely true. It’s very, very rare, but occasionally there are college graduates who are, like, so psyched, y’all, that they get to talk to all the people they see in them there magazines and are 100% amazed by all of them. Even rarer still is that kind of person who understands spelling and grammar.
Gina is one of these people.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a sweet job, but my appreciation is mostly of the “I’m not stressing out all the time, it gives me money for vodka and at the end of the day I can go home and watch Sports Night without worrying about shit I have to get done” variety. While I got B- or C+ on my college essays because I think a lot of that shit speaks for itself and found it unnecessary to spell out what is really frickin’ obvious (especially the one on Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Propostal”), Gina was acing everything by treating the reader like they’d suffered through several severe concussions. (While I am bitter about this, it’s mostly because it took me far longer than it should have to figure out how to write college essays.) But Gina was also the girl who was only in college because she thought she was supposed to go and if there had been a course in criticizing celebrity fashion, she would have passed with flying colours.
Have I mentioned she’s 23? She’s 23.
Gina is also getting married in three months. To her boyfriend of six years. She has been dating Patrick, the accountant (no, seriously), since they were both 17 and they’ve never dated anyone else, and oh em gee, you guys, she has dreamt about her perfect wedding since she was just a little girl playing with her Barbies. And lord, does Gina love to read about weddings, to talk about weddings, and to surf the internet for wedding dresses even though she bought hers six months ago.
So why didn’t Gina cover the story about Heidi and Spencer getting married? Because tonight is when Gina and Patrick have to go to the golf club to select their reception menu. They’re thinking of going with the smoked salmon, but you know, her mother-in-law really likes filet mignon and it really depends on how good the food at the golf club is.
Kill me.
So Gina, with intense disappointment, left to go to her food tasting bullshit while my boss instructed me to stay late to write up our story about the Speidi nuptials, and I wasn’t allowed to leave until the night editor had OKed it. Except the night editor was going to be a bit late because she had her own dentist appointment.
It’s like fate conspired to give me a day of crap.
The thing is, I can’t even be angered or disgusted with the Speidi wedding. Because even though Heidi and Us Weekly are practically blowing each other (with reach-around action) on a daily basis, I have had the chance to interview the twit, and while she’s definitely dumber than a half-eaten Hot Pocket, I’ve been in her position before. I’ve been in love with the guy who adored me but definitely saw himself as being on a higher level than me. And he knew what was good for me better than I did, and I was just so amazed that someone as great as him was interested in me that I assumed my instincts were wrong. And I let him dictate everything that when on in my life, from who my friends were to how well I got on with my family to which jobs I could take.
And the sad part is, it took years after he dumped me for me to realize how sad and pathetic he was and how much better I was without him. And as much as I dislike Heidi and hope she fails at everything in life, I wouldn’t ever wish that kind of relationship on anyone… And she’s just committed her entire life to it. She actually thinks it’s a good idea to blame her wedding on her family; she doesn’t realize that your wedding should be credited to a happy, healthy relationship. So while I should be pissed off about staying at the office until 7:30 p.m. (hope you enjoyed your root canal, nigh editor), mostly I just feel sad for Heidi.
…But then, the fact that I feel sad for her actually makes me angry, so I guess it all evened out in the end.
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