Ryan Kwanten sucks

Yes, look at clever pun in the title – but, no, seriously, he sucks. Sure, he is very good-looking and he’s quite delightful on True Blood. And seeing as the season finale of True Blood airs this Sunday, he’s been giving some interviews. Specifically, one to me. And he was very charming and cute and all that, and I left the interview having a bit of a crush.

So why does he suck? Because he also talked to the New York Post‘s Popwrap blog, which posted the interview today.

What he told the Post:
“I’ve just thrown the textbook of everything I knew out the window, which I think is the best way to play Jason. I just don’t think he’s the kind of guy who plans anything, he just jumps off the cliff without thinking, whereas I tend to be more cerebral and analytical when it comes to things so it’s been a great release for me to throw caution to the wind and fly by the seat of my pants.”

What he told me:
“Jason’s the kind of guy that, if you’re at the top of a cliff and you tell him that there’s a million dollars or a beautiful woman at the bottom, he will jump off the cliff with no hesitation. It’s that type of mentality that I have to always have in my head. I’m very cerebral and I tend to over-analyze things far too much, so it’s been great for me to just throw away the text book of what I know about myself and acting and just fly by the seat of my pants.”

Yeah, thanks for the scoop, buddy.

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As a person, you sound like a moron

The most tiring thing you hear as an entertainment “journalist” is when the person you’re interviewing says, “As an actor…”

Yeah, no shit, Calista Flockhart, it’s not like I’m interviewing you for your opinion as a math teacher. Do you have any other job other than acting? Is there any other reason I would be speaking to you if you weren’t a famous actor? No? Then you can just omit “as an actor” from your lexicon because amazingly, I can fill in the blanks.

This happens with musicians and directors and writers as well, but for the most part, I spend my days talking to actors, or at least people who consider themselves actors. (But you better believe I’ve heard my fair share of “as a director” or “as a musician” or “as the third assistant to the guy who wipes Tom Cruise’s ass.”) And it’s really the most pretentious thing you can say, because it’s one step away from saying, “I’m honing my crawwwft.” Acting isn’t easy, no, but you’re not exactly inventing the Internet, are you?

Before I got into this job, I thought the whole “honing my crawwft” pretention of actors was a cliché, but it’s far more prevalent than I ever expected. And sometimes it’s with actors whose work I actually like and who actually seem reasonably normal otherwise! I just don’t understand it. Maybe that’s why I never seriously considered acting as a profession – well, that and the fact that in all the school plays I was ever in, I couldn’t stop mouthing the lines of the other actors as they spoke them. (True story.)

Actors who have pulled the “as an actor” crap on me in the last few months:

– Sarah Wayne Callies from Prison Break – not that I particularly liked her in the first place, but she is definitely one of the more pretentious people I’ve ever interviewed. Actually, she was even worse than just the normal “as an actor” people; I believe she said something like, “As a profession, I’m a storyteller.” And then she went on and on and on about how important Prison Break is to the “cultural lexicon” right now – like, is she watching the same ludicrous, mediocre Fox action show that I am?

– Tate Donovan – wow, you really think highly of your acting ability for a guy who starred in Love Potion No. 9.

– Meaghan Jette Martin from Camp Rock – Get back to me when you learn to fake cry with actual tears, honey.

– One of the women from Knight Rider, with no sense of irony or self-awareness whatsoever.

– Rex Lee – oh, this one made me sad. I love him on Entourage and he really does seem like a lovely person, but the entire interview was about his intricate thought process that goes along with every scene and how hard it is sometimes to get his emotions in the right place. He said “as an actor” at least ten times. At one point, he actually said, “As a human…” Later on, he said, “So I made the decision in my mind…” Oh, in your mind? Not in your spleen?

– John Barrowman – except I actually didn’t care because I was too busy picturing him naked.

– Tila Tequila – WTF?

See, the “as an actor” thing isn’t limited solely to people who take acting seriously – it’s even used by people who just think they’re supposed to take acting so seriously. And maybe you should, if you’re John Malkovich or Meryl Streep, but you know, if you’re mainly commanding a group of men and women to eat pig vaginas for a chance to go on a date with you, maybe you shouldn’t be so worried about honing your crawwwft.

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The only thing worse than interviewing celebrities I hate…

…is interviewing celebrities I like. Because in addition to my regular interview jitters, I also get the “please don’t let me act like a jerk in front of one of my idols” jitters.

And then I act like an asshole.

This happened to me a few weeks ago when I had to interview a comedian who I love. I’m not going tell you who it is (I do not need you guys to seek that interview out, thank you), but for the purposes of this entry, I’ll pretend that I interviewed someone slightly similar: Patton Oswalt.

Not only do I think “Patton Oswalt” is one of the funniest people alive (I think this about the real Patton Oswalt, too), but he’s also clearly a brilliant guy who does not put up with bullshit or idiots. I am a writer of bullshit who acts like an idiot during interviews. I was terrified.

So, of course, the difficulty I usually have when trying to come up with questions was made so very much worse, because every minute that I couldn’t think of a question added another level of “Oh, dear God, Patton Oswalt is going to think I’m an asshole” terror to my psyche.

Oh, and have I mentioned that I’ve actually met Patton Oswalt before? I acted like an asshole then, too. I gushed and giggled and my body actually shook – bad enough that Patton was like, “Why are you shaking?” – and then I ran away like a freak.

No, that didn’t help, either.

On the bright side, this was a phone interview, and when I met Patton Oswalt, it was years ago before I even had this job, so the odds of him connecting my voice to my ridiculous-but-brief encounter with him were slim.

But that didn’t stop my brain from being an asshole.

You cannot act like an asshole when you talk to him this time.
Yeah, I know.
No, seriously. Do you have any idea how stupid you looked last time?
He’s not going to be looking at me this time.
You’re missing the point.
No, I am willfully ignoring the point.
You mean the point that if you act like an asshole this time, you stop being the dorky, overexcited fan and begin being the incompetent journalist who can barely function yet is somehow still employed?
Yes. I am willfully ignoring that point.

So I tried to prepare as best I could.

Or, at least, I had planned to prepare as best I could.

And then his publicist called me half an hour early.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

Now, I’d love to tell you that when finally faced with the sink-or-swim situation, I overcame my fears and pulled it off and that Patton Oswalt will now always think of me as the sassy, capable journalist who was a delight to talk to.

God, how I’d love to tell you guys that.

I blanked.

Horribly.

At least twice, I actually lost my train of thought and there was about 30 seconds of silence.

And, also, it was clear that Patton was more interested in talking about his comedy tour and his CD release, but because I was panicking, I kept asking about a TV show he was recently on.

He was on it once.

For about three minutes.

I kept asking him about details of the show that he had no knowledge of.

I kept looking at the timer on my voice recorder and I hadn’t even passed five minutes yet.

Also, I stuttered and stammered throughout the whole thing.

This is not an exaggeration. It really went this badly.

I finally made it to about ten minutes and decided to just cut my losses and get off of the phone. But it doesn’t end there.

I still had to listen to the recording again so I could type up a transcript.

Now, I didn’t notice this when it was happening because I was too busy FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, but you can actually hear Patton get more and more annoyed with me, mixed in with a bit of bafflement that I could actually be this bad. When I say, “OK, thanks for talking to me, bye” you can hear his surprise-slash-relief that the interview was over so quickly.

My Carrie Underwood-loving cubicle mate was witness to me hitting my head against my desk over and over again for about five minutes.

It was bad, people. It was BAD.

Like, bad enough that I have no doubt that the second Patton Oswalt hung up the phone, the first thing he said was, “What a fucking asshole.”

But there was a slightly happy ending. As usual, even though I am terrible with people, I was able to perform my writing magic with flair, and the article does not reveal just how badly I bungled the interview itself. While it’s not remotely Pulitzer-worthy (you know, as opposed to all the OTHER articles I write as a celebrity gossip writer), it was good enough to help me remember that there is a reason I don’t get fired.

Because I’m fucking my boss.

I kid, I kid.

No, the article turned out well enough that while I wouldn’t put the whole experience in the “win” pile, it had escaped the “huge, huge loss” pile, too.

So that was nice.

Then, after work, I went out and got spectacularly smashed, so the next day when I woke up, I was so focused on not throwing up at work that I didn’t have time to think about my Patton Oswalt humiliation. And now enough time has passed that I think it’s kind of funny.

Sort of.

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“Hey, there, uh… you.”

Now, lest I give off the impression that celebrity gossip is all glamour and hangovers, I should make it clear that, most of the time, I am interviewing people I know next to nothing about.

I know, I know, it’s my job to do this, and it’s also my job to do research beforehand so I know what the hell I’m talking about. I do this. But my knowledge of many of my interview subjects is still far, far less than my knowledge of, say, cake. Because I love cake. I will go out of my way to get cake when I want some. It is delicious and I want it in my life as much as possible.

The guy from the new Knight Rider show? I couldn’t care less if he were in my life. So when it came to doing research about him, I wasn’t exactly going to spend a weekend researching his life, calling up his high school sweethearts, his bank, the kid who mows his lawn, etc. I will Google his name, I will watch the god-awful Knight Rider TV movie from a few months ago, and then I will go interview him. This is a 300-word article. This is how it works.

The worst part, though, is that I want to care about the new Knight Rider show. I love Knight Rider. I love KITT. I love the Hoff. It was a horrible – and therefore great – show.

But the TV movie that served as backdoor pilot for the reimagined series? Oh, god, it’s fucking terrible. First of all, the fact that Will Arnett had to back out of doing the voice of KITT is a travesty. Because KITT is supposed to have a little air of mischief to him. Well, okay, in the original, it was more an air of gay, but Arnett’s vocal talents would have been comparable. Both voices were a subtle wink to the audience that the show was ridiculous, but that it was all right to enjoy it anyway.

Instead, the voice of KITT is Val Kilmer. One of the most humorless buttheads in all of show business. Sure, his serious, no-funny-business voice is more like what an actual car company would make their robot car sound like, but guess what? I’m not watching a show about a FRICKIN’ ROBOT CAR for realism.

Anyway.

So the TV movie sucked, but I have to go interview the guy who is playing the lead in the new show. I know hardly anything about this guy but I have some questions and can probably fake it a little.

Except that when I get in there, I cannot for the life of me remember the guy’s name.

Jack? Jake? J something. Jonathan. Jonas. Jeremy. Jerrica.

Fuck fuck fuck.

So I’m shaking his hand, all, “Hi, great to meet you, how’s it going?” You know, common curtesy bullshit.

His name is not coming to me. For some reason, my brain thinks:

Walter Koenig!

No, brain. I am not interviewing Chekov from Star Trek.

Are you suuuuuure?

Yes, I’m sure.

Wouldn’t that be cool if you were, though?

Yes. But I’m not. I’m interviewing this guy.

This guy is much cuter than he looked on TV.

Well, he’s over 5’7″, so already he’s got an advantage over most other actors.

Ask him if he’s ever met Walter Koenig.

No.

Come on.

I’m done talking to you now.

So I managed to do the entire interview with the guy without ever once using his name – without even having to awkwardly segue out of a sentence that needed to use his name. But then the guy hasn’t really been in anything other than this new Knight Rider show. So… What was your life like growing up? When did you know you wanted to be an actor? What was auditioning for the show like? How is the new show different from the old one? (Hint: the new one sucks.) Is it weird acting opposite a car? Why is the new KITT so much less gay than the old one?

…Shit.

Did I just ask why KITT is less gay now?

Yeah. You did. It was awesome.

Shit. Maybe I forgot to turn my recorder on and there will be no proof I ever said it.

Oh, you turned it on.

Crap. Look at whatshisface. What’s he doing?

Laughing.

Seriously?

Yeah, he’s talking about how he never noticed KITT’s gay voice until someone else pointed it out to him and now that’s all he can hear whenever he watches the old show.

Huh. This guy’s not that bad.

You should hit on him.

No.

Lame.

I’ll tell you what I will do: I’m going to go back to the office and look him up on IMDB so I’ll remember his name.

What, you mean Justin Bruening?

…God, I hate you.

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Who wants to touch me? I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKING TOUCH ME?!

I am going to reveal something that will surely make you think I am very super awesome.

Are you ready? Are you?

I have interviewed Lauren Conrad.

In person.

Admit it: you want to fuck me.

I hated every minute of it, but not for the obvious reason that she’s a no-talent poo-bag.

Okay, not entirely because of that.

No, I pretty much hate doing interviews in general because I am not a person who can think on my feet. I am very bad at articulating my thoughts on the spur of the moment. This is fine for writing, but when it comes to asking someone a question about something I just thought of, it usually comes out something like this:

“So, uh, you know how you did that thing… With the… um… dogs? Yeah, dogs. There were dogs. So how, um… I mean, doing stuff is hard… But with DOGS… It’s gotta be, um… harder to deal with… You know, when the dogs are doing their dog things. I mean, they’re doing the things while you’re trying to do things, but you can do your things when the dog is doing dog things. So, um, how did you do that?”

You think I’m exaggerating. I have actually edited the previous paragraph to make myself sound less like concussed mental patient.

Also, I am always very freaked out that I will not have enough questions to fill the time. I mean, sure, if every time I watched The Hills and I had some question, like, “Jason? Really? The guy who thinks a chinstrap is a good substitution for a jawline?” and I wrote that down in a special “IN CASE YOU INTERVIEW LAUREN CONRAD ONE DAY” notebook, then yes, I would have hours and hours of questions to ask her. But when the interview is set up and I have to spend some time simply coming up with questions, then I just stare at my empty notebook for what seems like hours. It’s the opposite of the “Don’t think of pink elephants” conundrum. “Think of some questions!” “Uh… I like unicorns.”

So I wasn’t really looking forward to my interview with Lauren Conrad anyway, but then combine that with the fact that I, you know, hate her and I knew she’d show up looking skinny and impeccably dressed and sober and basically everything that I am not. The only thing I thought I had over her is that I am taller than she is and I don’t have a fake tan that makes me look dirty.

Well, it turns out that Lauren is not only taller than I am, but she also likes wearing 6″ stilettos that thrust her so high I was worried she was going to keel over.

Also, her tan is not nearly offensive in person.

So, basically: fuck her.

And it shouldn’t really have come as a surprise, since I knew it already, but she really is the most media-prepped person in the world. Everything had a rehearsed response and was said with this calm, relaxed smile. It was like talking to HAL if HAL was a no-talent poo-bag in a cute skirt.

And again, I knew she would be like this, but I was still unprepared for how impossible it would be to get her to say anything interesting. She’d obviously be coached to keep her answers short, so anything she said the basic information needed to answer my question and nothing more.

Remember how I worry that I won’t have enough questions to fill the interview time? Yeah. LC didn’t really help. THIS WAS A TEN-MINUTE INTERVIEW.

Now, very luckily for me, I think my incompetent question-asking ability actually confused her a little bit, because she eventually slipped up and said something a little bit stupid. I mean, not monumentally stupid, but stupid enough that I was able to focus my article on it.

Because while I suck during interviews, I am completely, completely great at turning the shitty interview into a great article. That is not to say that I manipulate what they say or present their quotations in a way that changes the meaning of what they say. But once I type up the transcript of everything my interview subject has said, I’m like Little Man Tate all of a sudden. I’m seeing patterns, I’m seeing angles nobody’s ever thought of, and bam! Off to the races.

And, in case you were wondering, yes, this is one of the parts of my job that makes me happy. Or, at least, it counteracts how bad I feel about myself after spending fifteen minutes sputtering and stammering in front of a celebrity, so it evens out.

There’s even a brief feeling of triumph when my scathing article comes out – TAKE THAT, LAUREN, WITH YOUR STUPID PRETTY HAIR – but then I remember that she gets to shove that pain down deep inside and cover it in new shoes.

You’ve won this round, LC. But we’ll see who’s really laughing when I yell insults at my TV during the fourth season premiere of The Hills. Oh, yes. We’ll see.

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