When I complained yesterday about slow days and how I eagerly grab up any big celebrity event just so I’ll have something to do, I never expected this fucking thing. Really, Us Weekly? Heidi Fucking Montag is on the cover of your magazine again because she got engaged again to the same guy again? You are only encouraging her! You are preventing this girl from learning valuable life lessons about being a contributing member of society!
Come on, there is not one person in the world who truly gives a fuck about what goes on in Heidi and Spencer’s relationship because they have made it perfectly clear that their main priority is to stay famous. Even if they do get married, it is absolutely not because they are in love with each other, it’s because they get more camera time when they’re together. And if they’re “permanently” together, well, that’s a lot more attention for them. Just think how much the magazines will pay for the exclusive rights to their divorce photos in a few years? Scratch that: months. If not weeks.
It’s to the point that there’s no point in watching their segments on The Hills. (Insert “there’s no point to watching The Hills, period” joke here.) Who cares if they’re broken up on the show when we’re forced to look at their annoying-as-fuck “Oh, my God, I can’t believe there are photographers here while we go on a spontaneous Easter Egg Hunt while wearing bunny ears, which we would totally be doing even if there weren’t any cameras” photos.
So I had to write about Heidi asking Spencer to propose again. Note to self: liquor store by apartment has a sale on vodka.
You know how on every “mainstream” celebrity news website or in those magazines, everything is written with such eagerness and optimism, as if everything that happens to these people is seriously the best thing that has ever happened and we should all just be so happy and excited that we even get to know about it?
The person who wrote that hates herself.
We are perfectly aware of how ridiculous and “golly gee willikers” it sounds. We know how stupid it is to even pretend to care about whether or not Heidi gets married. We all sit at our small desks (which are all about two feet away from each other) and we all trash talk every single celebrity we’re currently praising on our website and in our magazine. The filthiest, most inappropriate comments you can think of can barely approach what we say about Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Simpson, Ashton Kutcher, Zac Efron, etc. etc. In the safe haven of our “offices,” we are the most deplorable human beings to walk the earth.
But if we’re mean to a celebrity in print, they might refuse to talk to us or pose for photos ever again. If they’re a particularly popular celebrity whose photos help us sell issues or attract visitors, this is Bad For Business. Trust us, nothing would make us happier than to put our true opinions out into the world, but sadly, those kind of moves will eventually (or quickly) get you fired.
Yes, that would free up more time for Guitar Hero, but when the electricity finally gets shut off in your apartment, having a free schedule suddenly gets a lot more boring.
So, instead, we write things like, “Heidi summed of the courage to swallow her pride and admit to herself that she and her on-again-off-again beau, Spencer Pratt, were meant to be together.”
I feel dirty. I feel gross and dirty and it’s horrible. But it’s not completely without its rewards. I mean, at least I’m getting that sweet, journalism paycheck, right? That should pay for 3% of my outrageous VISA bill and leave enough left over for some Pop Tarts.
